Ros Beiaard – A Tale of Epic Horse Beatings

Horse Hater X — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 10:45:04 +0000

Gert-Jan Van Cakenbergh not only has an awesome name, he also put me onto the details surrounding a great tale about Ros Beiaard, a Belgium tradition of a horse hater of Epic Proportions. This horse hating hero is called Reinout and was so strong, he killed a fuck face horse in one fucking punch. How cool is that?!

So I live in Belgium, and there’s a town called Dendermonde.

Every 10 years, they have this huge event about a huge horse, there’s supposed to be some kind of legend to it.

But now actually 100 000 people come to see this shitty wooden horse, and they all start to cry once the horse appears.

I couldn’t find an English explanation of why so many people would cry at the sight of the horse, so I can only assume they know they’re not going to be the first one to punch it, like the hero of the tale, Reinout.A few Wikipedia pages later and I am now a full blown expert and can use my horse hating translation service to ensure you know exactly what Ros Beiaard is all about!

LEGEND

Ros Beiaard - Douchebag Horse

Aimone, Lord of Dendermonde , had some beef with Charlemagne, some pussy ass horse lover that used to write deranged letters to the only anti-horse print of the day which Aimone wrote for. It was only when Mr. Aimone married Alice, a niece of Charlemagne, that his problems stopped and he pretended to not hate horses any more just to get him some poontang.

The couple loved fucking and had four sons: Ritsaert, Writsaert, Adel Aert and Reinout . Their father knighted each of the sons and their mother for a laugh gave them each a horse. Reinout hated the fact his father had become such a pussy whipped horse lover and was so annoyed with the lameness of this present, he killed the long face gluebag with a swift punch to the face.

Not content with the lousy gag, his mother gave him another horse, which he swiftly booted in the ovaries and it broke its loins right the fuck out.

Apparently though, cruising for bitches in Belgium means riding a horse, and in the following months Reinout went through a dry patch. He got desperate and picked the least douchetastic horse he could find, naming it Bayard; ironic really as Bayard is how you pronounce Sarah Jessica Parker in Dutch…

Reinout loved a good fight once in a while too. During a heated discussion at the court of Charlemagne, Reinout with one blow of his sword beheaded Charles’s son Louis just because he looked like a horse. Charles didn’t like them apples and Reinout and his four brothers were ordered to leave the kingdom on the back of Sarah Jessica Parker Bayard (hence the statue).

Unfortunately though, their horse loving mother ratted them out and they were swiftly captured. They were to have heavy millstones around their necks and were thrown into a river. The only possible chance of salvation was Bayard, but being a horse he was only out for number one and he sat neighing at the shore. Reinout drowned, much to the annual disappointment of horse hating Belgiums.

-FIN-

So there you have it. Belgiums cry at the sight of the big douchebag horse because the only epic hero their country has ever had died at the hands of a horse lover and wasn’t saved by the big ballbag horse they wheel out every ten years.

At least Reinout got to punch a horse in the face before he drowned so… perhaps you need a statue? Vienna has a couple that would be right up your street!

A Big Fucking Horse in the middle of Kent? What The Fuck indeed…

Horse Hater X — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 12:11:08 +0000

What a stupid fucking idea... why would you make a massive horse statue?!

Are you like me and think the Angel of the North is just a big rusty piece of shit that symbolises little more than British stupidity and lack of any taste at all, as well as the lengths the government will go to waste tax payers money??

Great! You’ll likely hate this even more then..

“A giant white horse, built by Turner Prize winner Mark Wallinger, will stand on a hill near Ebbsfleet International station.

The £2m horse will measure up to 164ft in height, and will be the biggest public work of art in the UK, more than twice the size of Antony Gormley’s Angel Of The North in Gateshead, and roughly the same height as Nelson’s Column.”

Two Million pounds? To erect a giant, douchebag horse in the middle of nowhere??

Fuck me… I’m off to write a letter to the Kent council to ask for the three million quid it’ll cost to build a giant guy stood next to the cunt, punching it in its big, stupid face…

I Fucking Hate Horses » Horse Statues

Ros Beiaard – A Tale of Epic Horse Beatings

A Big Fucking Horse in the middle of Kent? What The Fuck indeed…