Gert-Jan Van Cakenbergh not only has an awesome name, he also put me onto the details surrounding a great tale about Ros Beiaard, a Belgium tradition of a horse hater of Epic Proportions. This horse hating hero is called Reinout and was so strong, he killed a fuck face horse in one fucking punch. How cool is that?!
So I live in Belgium, and there’s a town called Dendermonde.Every 10 years, they have this huge event about a huge horse, there’s supposed to be some kind of legend to it.But now actually 100 000 people come to see this shitty wooden horse, and they all start to cry once the horse appears.
I couldn’t find an English explanation of why so many people would cry at the sight of the horse, so I can only assume they know they’re not going to be the first one to punch it, like the hero of the tale, Reinout.A few Wikipedia pages later and I am now a full blown expert and can use my horse hating translation service to ensure you know exactly what Ros Beiaard is all about!
LEGEND
Ros Beiaard - Douchebag Horse
Aimone, Lord of Dendermonde , had some beef with Charlemagne, some pussy ass horse lover that used to write deranged letters to the only anti-horse print of the day which Aimone wrote for. It was only when Mr. Aimone married Alice, a niece of Charlemagne, that his problems stopped and he pretended to not hate horses any more just to get him some poontang.
The couple loved fucking and had four sons: Ritsaert, Writsaert, Adel Aert and Reinout . Their father knighted each of the sons and their mother for a laugh gave them each a horse. Reinout hated the fact his father had become such a pussy whipped horse lover and was so annoyed with the lameness of this present, he killed the long face gluebag with a swift punch to the face.
Not content with the lousy gag, his mother gave him another horse, which he swiftly booted in the ovaries and it broke its loins right the fuck out.
Apparently though, cruising for bitches in Belgium means riding a horse, and in the following months Reinout went through a dry patch. He got desperate and picked the least douchetastic horse he could find, naming it Bayard; ironic really as Bayard is how you pronounce Sarah Jessica Parker in Dutch…
Reinout loved a good fight once in a while too. During a heated discussion at the court of Charlemagne, Reinout with one blow of his sword beheaded Charles’s son Louis just because he looked like a horse. Charles didn’t like them apples and Reinout and his four brothers were ordered to leave the kingdom on the back of Sarah Jessica Parker Bayard (hence the statue).
Unfortunately though, their horse loving mother ratted them out and they were swiftly captured. They were to have heavy millstones around their necks and were thrown into a river. The only possible chance of salvation was Bayard, but being a horse he was only out for number one and he sat neighing at the shore. Reinout drowned, much to the annual disappointment of horse hating Belgiums.
-FIN-
So there you have it. Belgiums cry at the sight of the big douchebag horse because the only epic hero their country has ever had died at the hands of a horse lover and wasn’t saved by the big ballbag horse they wheel out every ten years.
At least Reinout got to punch a horse in the face before he drowned so… perhaps you need a statue? Vienna has a couple that would be right up your street!
Tags: Bayard, Killing Horses in One Punch, Reinout, Ros Beiaard
Quote “Belgiums cry at the sight of the big douchebag horse” Unquote
Not all of them. I freaking hate horses and people who ride them.
I wonder what glue they used in the creation of the wooden horse..
I am indifferet to horses except that one called sarrah jessica parker…i freakin hate that cunt… anyways this site always cracks me up..keep up the good work
killed a horse in one punch?? what is he, the HULK?
Very funny shit man,
I’m totally indifferent when it comes to those douchebags, altough i gotta say: i tought the Trojans were going to win untill that giant ass horse came by.
P.S: I am from Belgium, living not that far away from dendermonde.
There is one thing wrong about your story.It was not Reinout that drowned, it was the big fucking horse
Dude, the story you told about the beautiful Ros Beiaard is kinda f*cked up Xp
I live in Dendermonde. This is the town where the horse is shown every 10 years. The part about the 100 000 people starting to cry is kinda wrong. More like a 5000 or so (that’s still much)
But those people have worked on the preparation for years (freaks).
To piss you guys of more an extra info. Not only do more than 100 000 people come to watch the horse, among those people are more than 100 ministers cheering for the horse :p
And if you’re intrested, there’s a town called Aalst who also have a horse, but it crappy. Aalst is known for it’s huge carneval and that’s when they show that piece of sh*t to a few drunks wandering around.